Be a Smelly Goat
Giving and Receiving Honesty
Honesty is a glorious topic. It provides cover and sets us awash with righteous indignation, full of ourselves, with the ability to say, “I am just being honest” when we use words or deeds that hurt someone. Like it or not, we all come to life with a subjective point of view. Our experiences, biases, pain points, etc... influence our perspective about the world in ways we cannot easily conceive. The complicating factor is that we are sure of how we see and experience everything despite our biases. Under the headline “How Do We Know What We Know,” we now see the trouble with saying, “I have to be honest.” Because the thing you see and how you see it may not be accurate or objective. If everyone comes to life from their perspectives, how do we know what is honest, truthful, or correct? What credit do we give when someone’s perspective/opinion is colored by an experience we have not had, but we are sure it’s wrong, irrelevant, and unnecessary? “I am just being honest; relax, calm down; you are getting emotional.” Have you said this or heard it? I suspect we are all guilty of saying, “I have to be honest.”
How do you react when you hear these words? Do you tense up? Does your heart beat faster, your fists clenched, and your knuckles cracked? Do you need to move your body? All that would be natural. It is your fight-or-flight genetic code booting up, getting poised to take a hit, and then retaliate. There is another way to look at it when you hear these words. First, I don’t think people say this to infer they are typically dishonest when communicating with you. But that is certainly one way to think about it. The phrase, “I have to be honest…” is often used to soften the blow of whatever harsh honesty comes next. At least, that is how it is typically intended. The reality is that honesty can sometimes be brutal. We don’t want to hurt each other's feelings, at least most of us, so we do what we can to soften the blow. “I have to be honest…” spoken in a soft, compassionate tone that fills in the gaps between those words and the ears that hear them.
Marcus Aurelius says this kind of preface to communications is unnecessary and that honest people are known “like a smelly goat that comes into the room.” You just know an honest person is with you -at times before you see them. Honesty can still be kind if we accept that honesty is sometimes tricky and doesn’t always feel good.
For those who work daily for authenticity, living an honest life and receiving honesty from those closest to us is critical to our happiness. My failure to be inauthentic, even when it's in my best interest to do so, has sometimes been costly. The cost of honesty is nothing to dismiss. Someone invented the phrase, “Don’t kill the messenger,” for a reason.
The problem with honesty might well reside in the ego. For many, our ego prevents us from receiving honest communications. Imagine the myriads of people who tried to tell Donald Trump that he lost the 2020 presidential election. Imagine the frustration one in his orbit might have felt when he doubled down, dismissing all the facts and then doing everything he could to remain in office.
How we receive honest communication, even from someone who loves to hurt us with disappointing news, is an essential part of the process. How do we build a resilient ego that enables us to be wrong? Can an ego-driven person learn from someone who knows more than they do? How do we create a life where our zest for living is so wonderous, complete, and energized that we crave experiences to have and learn from because we understand that is the key to growth and thriving in this life? How can we get anywhere and achieve our full potential if we haven’t failed at anything and learned from it?
Honesty doesn’t have to be brutal. The Stoics, or The Buddha, or whatever social media-preneur you follow who posts cute memes with sage advice might advise you to ask these questions before communicating in a forthright and honest manner:
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful?
While this is meant for interpersonal relationships, I can’t ignore the dynamics of professional relationships. These rules above do not necessarily apply in a professional environment where honesty and accountability are critical. The differentiator between the interpersonal and professional rests with how you handle honesty and accountability in your professional life. It must be administered fairly and equitably, which will typically generate respect. There has to be radical truthtellers on every team. This is a role I have played, somewhat unwittingly, throughout my professional life. It is not uncommon for a management team to be so stuck in their way of operating that the entire organization becomes stuck, unable to change a worldview which would have enabled them to differentiate, capitalize on an opportunity, and pivot in preparation for changing conditions. There is a significant risk associated with getting stuck in business and life. When it happens, and it happens to everyone, you must seek out your truthteller to guide you to safety.
May we proceed honestly and with kindness to avoid insinuating in our communications that sometimes we are dishonest. Let’s remove “I have to be honest…” from our talking points and become that person who is like a smelly goat. If you are in the room, we know it, are glad for it, and rely on your honesty.
May we all aspire to be like smelly goats.