Continuity

And A Life Well Lived

The continuity of life is evident in the rituals of togetherness created and maintained across generations of families. This is a sweet thing. All at once, you feel so good when you come together as adults with cousins from your childhood, and this serves as a reminder of your parents and your families as they were. When you introduce the family you created as an adult to the family you were born into, you advance the continuity of life and family for all. And this is comforting, especially during uncertain times. There is also a bittersweet aspect of the continuity of generations as our roles within the extended family change as our life experiences change at each stage of our evolution.

We all want to be alive as long as possible for our children. The anxiety associated with the prospect that you may “leave” before you are ready is something we all think about. For some, it is at the forefront, whereas for others, it may lurk in the lowly spaces in their mind, hidden from view. What should you do while waiting to die?

“Memento Mori,” said Socrates. “Someday, you must die” or “Remember, you will die.” Socrates also said that the proper practice of philosophy was about dying or being dead. Sounds morbid, right? I take it as a reminder to live well.

Does active acknowledgment in our daily lives that someday we must die help remind us to live each day as if it were our last? Why fear death? Everyone is doing it at some point or another.

Is it the finality, the uncertainty, or the idea you are running out of time and haven’t done something you would like to do that makes you fear death? Do you feel you have missed something real, tangible, and authentic in how you have chosen to live your life? Are you now just recognizing that memento mori, someday you must die? If so, don’t be frightened; nothing has changed, only now you have permission to live your life in your way.

It's fascinating to see how people have different perspectives on death and how it influences their lives. There are limited options when considering what happens after death, so why is it so complex? Option One: Your spirit, the essence of who you are, continues evolving on a journey we don't fully understand. Option Two: Lights out. Nothingness. I won't delve into the human construct of "hell" here.

The better choice is option one. Within option one exists myriad possibilities, and having possibilities is better than having nothing. Within option one exists all spiritual and religious traditions, organized and unorganized, that have ever existed. Both options influence how we live our lives every day. The impact of what you believe about death and how you choose to live your life cannot be overstated. These perspectives on how you view what happens after death impact how you choose to live and both are influenced by the stories you tell yourself.

I often discuss with my children the importance of spending time with kind and positive kids who "fill their cup" while avoiding those who have a negative impact and "empty their cup." Recently, I came across a quote that resonated with me, stating that adulthood involves unlearning everything from our past to become the people we were meant to be. As a gay man living in America and simply as a human living in a too-often inhumane world, I found this notion particularly powerful. Stoicism can help us unlearn fixed ideas and facilitate personal growth and freedom. Being a fully developed adult may require intentionally letting go of outdated beliefs and perceptions that we acquired during our formative years. It's possible that embracing progress means unlearning certain things.

The continuity of life may impact our expectations of our children. Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, they belong not to you.” I read Gibran’s seminal work, “The Prophet,” in high school, and this passage was and still is powerful. How would our children benefit if raised without unreasonable expectations of who they should be? Would we have a happier population who used the time life gave them in a fulfilling and satisfying way? How did your parents and family’s expectations of you when you were growing up influence the person you became? Do you feel a part of you that deserved attention and care was missed in favor of an expectation you did not ask for?

Stoicism can be a healing practice but can also rock your core. If you follow the stoics, you practice the daily work of happiness. You remain focused on the present and try to live in accordance with nature. You know that someday you must die, and you choose to live in a way that causes no pain. You try to avoid being the recipient of pain, but you understand Amor Fati, that you must love your fate, and no matter what life brings you when it happens, you can handle it well.

There are stories we tell ourselves about our fate that may become distractions. We may get stuck in our story of circumstances, have difficulty changing a past that we can never change, accept an outcome we didn’t want, and fail to recognize our responsibility for the conditions of our lives. We tell ourselves stories so often that we no longer recognize our storytelling. Was this fate the result of a choice based on a story I told myself? It can be overwhelming.

Continuity happens on levels large and small. Each day, we wake up to new possibilities and get a “do-over,” an opportunity to change something or start again. We can begin with how we respond to a fate beyond our control. It seems impossible to love all fates, and finding reconciliation and acceptance can be tricky. With much challenging work, accepting our fate and living in the present is possible. So, we do what we can. Fate seems like something in the distance and entirely beyond our control. Our fate happens each moment that passes us; you can recognize it unfolding if you pay attention.

Suppose you live authentically and see yourself truthfully, flaws and all. Focus not on perfection but on continuous improvement. Work to understand your potential, talent, and ability. Commit to yourself and live joyfully every day. By doing these things, you can recognize and embrace your fate. We accept our fate every time we go to bed and wake up with a grateful heart.

In life's continuity, we witness the peaks and valleys of our loved ones' experiences. We see them at their best, worst, and everything in between. We witness the effects of positive and negative choices made in youth; we know what happens when those in our lives fail to learn, improve, and evolve in their thinking. This can be more painful than death.

Did you ever find yourself saying after someone you know and love has died, “That was a well-lived life?” When I say that, I am referring to the process of living, the continuity of life, evolving, learning, making mistakes, improving, contributing, and inspiring. The mark of a well-lived life is not possessions or perfection; it is not in how well-liked we are or by how many; it is not in how well-known we are or the number of virtuous deeds we do. The mark of a well-lived life is customized; it's personal and relates to an individual’s journey and unique struggles. It is not a one-size-fits-all creation. It never was or will be. So do your best and get to work!