Don't Lose the Rhythm

An Important thing I Learned from my Mother

With my mother (and hair) in Disney World in 1997.

“When jarred, unavoidably, by circumstance, revert at once to yourself, and don’t lose the rhythm more than you can help.” - Marcus Aurelius.

This daily stoic quote struck me this morning. Haven’t we all felt jarred by life at one point or another? Interestingly, he says, “unavoidably,” sometimes our actions create an otherwise avoidable circumstance. The outcome is still the same: a jarring effect. Add a layer of shame, remorse, or regret if we are responsible for and capable of owning our mistakes.

Resilience is an underestimated quality. If you find yourself at the margins of life, as most people do, eventually, you learn resilience, or you shrink or die. What strategies do you practice when jarred by life? How do you regain your footing and even learn to thrive when circumstances cause you to stumble?

Have you noticed it is easier to advise than to take advice? That is assuming there was a request for advice in both circumstances. Nobody likes unsolicited advice. When you are asked for advice, it is truly an honor. The recipient of the request at once feels wise, stable, and accomplished. Few exchanges with people are as validating as when you are acknowledged for your experience, passion, and wisdom. However, regardless of how you feel about your advice, only the recipient may conclude if it was good.

When the daily work of happiness becomes routine, you take life in stride. You are better equipped to absorb, adjust, and move forward. You become unbreakable. Periodically, you may still be jarred and thrown off, of course. Some days, the daily work of happiness seems impossible. And that is when you revert to yourself, as Marcus Aurelius advises. Bad days are unavoidable for everyone. Seeking advice from trusted loved ones during such times may be critical for survival. No one is an island. Some who have survived childhood trauma may go through life reverting unto themselves out of habit, not trusting the people they love to be there for them on the bad days. They do this because, in the jarring days of their childhood, they learned they only had themselves.

When I first read this quote, I immediately thought about my mother. Her life was filled with jarring circumstances.

My mother was widowed at 36 years old. She was left with little money, three children ages 9, 12, and 14, no formal education, and no work history in the 15 years she was married. She didn’t balance the checkbook, pay the bills, or learn how to manage a family. Her husband did everything, and when he was gone, everything went with him. This jarring life experience transformed all our lives, and she reverted to herself and leaned on her faith in God. She ignored unsolicited advice on what steps to take for her family and did everything her way. My mother drew strength from her extensive network of friends. She loved us unconditionally and, despite a hard life, remained one of the happiest people I knew until her unexpected death at age 70.

One of the most challenging tasks a human being can face in interpersonal relationships is allowing someone they love to live their lives their way. It is painful to see someone so excellent, so good, loving, and pure withdraw from life and come out the other side without wisdom, trusted advice, and only the consequences of reverting unto yourself and staying there.

Life is sometimes so jarring that we struggle to regain our rhythm. We may struggle to find ourselves again because we no longer know who we are. When this happens to a loved one, the best thing to do is to be present with them. Your presence becomes solid ground, and eventually, they may honor you by asking for advice. Remember, the best advice is given after you have asked plenty of questions and only when reflecting on what you have heard. In the end, it is the recipient of advice who decides if it is good. And it is their choice whether to act or not. Either way, remaining present, loving unconditionally, and practicing radical acceptance of those you love will be the most effective things you can do for such a person in your life.

I learned this from my mother.