Micro-Aggressions
Advocacy, Power Dynamics, and Compassion
When it comes to micro-aggressions, the concept of radical confidence is a powerful tool. Instead of focusing solely on identifying and calling out aggressions, radical confidence encourages us to understand the power dynamics at play. It suggests that we can identify micro-aggressions without assuming the role of a victim, regardless of intention. This approach empowers us to choose our responses to life's situations, emphasizing our personal agency and control.
The great Paolo Coelho put the idea that “What other people think of you is none of your business” into the mainstream. Whenever I think about micro-aggressions as an observer or recipient and find myself lamenting segments of our society that seem committed to perpetuating its victimhood, I think about Paolo Coelho and this statement and see a form of liberation from unnecessary and self-inflicted burdens.
Spending so much time thinking about yourself and the slights inflicted on you by people in your orbit, real or imagined, is exhausting. Therein lies the rub; of course, we don’t know what people who are not us are thinking, and we, at best, only have an idea of intention, reason, and purpose in our interpersonal communications. Regardless of how loud you call out “micro-aggression,” that does not change how you choose to respond to what you encounter in this life. You are responsible for executing the work of happiness in each moment of every day. You place your happiness in the control of others when you spend your time lamenting things you can’t control, like what other people think about you, their intentions, motivations, and even how they made you feel.
St. Bernard of Clairvaux and later Samuel Johnson are credited with saying, “The road to hell was paved with good intentions.” I believe that Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives benefit society. But even the best of intentions are corruptible. As humans, we sometimes forget to focus on the cardinal virtue of balance. Balance is crucial in all things. There are many flashpoints throughout history where we come across an idea that seems helpful and promises to advance our common humanity, but with time, it reveals itself as damaging, an over-correction, or just simply a deception. Consider “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and “Trickle Down Economics,” both disastrous public policies, one of which has been remedied while we are still debating and suffering under the horrendous failure that is “trickle-down economics.” With Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, I feel we are at a flash point where we may lose something important because we are creating people who surrender their agency, autonomy, and self-worth in favor of trying to control what other people do, say, and think.
There is a power imbalance among human beings. There always has been, and there always will be. It is critical to your happiness to accept that without hesitation. When you do this, a window to personal freedom opens, and you discover that this idea of power is not what you thought it was. You always have power. I am not talking about denying your oppression; I say this so your oppression doesn’t kill you. When you live at the margins, some costs accompany being you. It is unfair, but that is life. In Life at the Margins, we discuss all aspects of living a life where you don’t fit into the majority, where you are not necessarily “just like everyone else.” We have talked about the fatigue associated with living this life. I am concerned about DEI initiatives creating a segment of people who focus more externally (controlling other people) and less internally (controlling how they encounter and navigate the world – what they can control). If you value yourself, you command your agency; if you see your value through the lens of how other people treat you, you surrender your happiness.
“I have devoted my career to studying, implementing, and improving organizational systems and cultures. I’ve assessed that the healthiest cultures are born from thoughtfully articulated and actionable values, which are then infused into the culture. For values to be more than lip service, they must be expressed and observable in the organization's behaviors, practices, and processes.” – Melissa Daimler, Chief Learning Officer of Udemy and Author.
How many of us work in an organization with well-defined values, practices, and processes that we follow without much effort? If you cannot apply the same principles to managing your personal life, you may fall prey to seeking validation and happiness from external sources. When you live your life at the margins and face interpersonal adversity, be it in professional or personal situations, your safety net is your sense of self and your self-worth; the mechanism within you provides internal validation and love. The mechanism that allows you to acknowledge slights, whether in the form of a micro-aggression or not, without being crushed, agitated, or otherwise affected so that your happiness and well-being are compromised, is a part of you. You are solely responsible for building its resilience and its emotional maturity. If you know and value yourself, it is evident in your behavior, how you treat yourself and others, and how you work and live. You can learn to manage the impact of the micro-aggressions that have always existed in this world. Microaggressions may fatigue you over time, but you are responsible for not allowing them to turn you into a victim.
Micro-aggressions are exhausting, challenging, frustrating, and complex topics to address. To begin with, let’s examine how a “micro-aggression” is defined in simple terms.
Arlin Cuncic, MA, a clinical psychologist, defines “micro-aggression” as a “subtle verbal or nonverbal behavior, committed consciously or not, that is directed at a member of a marginalized group and has a harmful, derogatory effect.”
Unsurprisingly, micro-aggressions exist and always have, perhaps now with a better name. Even in the most welcoming environments, it is easy to dismiss someone's reality as an overreaction when you have never experienced this sort of thing personally. The fatigue of experiencing micro-aggressions throughout your life is also damaging to mental health. What seems like an easily dismissed infraction to one person is not easy to ignore when you have lived your life dismissing these micro-aggressions. I wrote about fatigue at the margins here.
Cuncic explains this very well, “Although subtle and potentially less harmful than outright prejudice or intolerance, microaggressions have an impact too; in fact, being exposed to chronic microaggressions over some time may be hurting your mental health.” I think it is true that everyone experiences micro-aggressions at some point, but not everyone experiences micro-aggressions at the same rate. Not everyone who experiences aggression is a member of a minority group, and as a result, the experiences are far from the same, though we may not understand that intuitively. The reality is that unless you move through this world as a minority member of humanity, your understanding of micro-aggressions and how debilitating they can become over time is not equal to those who face that every day. Your challenge then becomes compassion and empathy. Humanity calls for you not to be dismissive. However strong those instincts may become in the heat of the moment. For those who suffer fatigue at the margins because of the sustained exposure to micro-aggressions, among other things, your challenge in the heat of the moment is gargantuan. You must be better, more composed, less emotional, and seek to state your truth in an educational, dispassionate manner to not “upset” those in the majority who may not possess the human skills of compassion and empathy required in this situation. To practice compassion for those we agree with is easy; to be compassionate towards someone we disagree with is hard work.
What should you do when you live at the margins and are in a position to advocate for yourself and others who suffer micro-aggressions? What do you do when you recognize your fatigue impacts your communication style and effectiveness? How do you effectively educate those who lack understanding when you are weakened by fatigue? I wrote about communications in our newsletter, The Plague of Modern Communications. Volumes can be written on this topic, but I see how we deliver and receive information as a core part of the problem of achieving a true understanding of micro-aggressions in our society. While we cannot regulate how people talk with each other, there is room to utilize society’s public-facing institutions, systems, and structures to develop a set of practices, values, and compassionate communication that can lead the way for everyone.
Here are some steps to help you keep cool when advocating for others about a topic that may cause you fatigue:
Recognize that your personal experience and emotional exposure may be more of a distraction than a tool if it negatively impacts your communication style.
Focus on compassion. Compassion for those we agree with is easy. In a case like this, you must show complex compassion toward someone with whom you disagree.
Leave your ego at the door. If you need someone else to deliver your message, look for supporters of your cause and work with them to help give it.
Remember, your goal is to educate, not to vent, shame anyone, or portray yourself and those you seek to help as victims.
You aim to educate those who lack personal experience with sustained micro-aggression. You lose if you alienate them by venting frustrations, making demands, and resorting to personal attacks.
Life at the Margins is hard. Sometimes, we encounter an elephant in a room with us, making it impossible for us to breathe because we have encountered too many elephants. It is okay to take a break, sit this out, and respond later after replenishing your strength. Similarly, when you live within the margins and have never experienced what it feels like to always be on the exterior, to reside outside the traditional standards of any group, you might not understand something you think you know. Often, this comes with a denial of privilege and a prevalence of victim blaming. To this end, I think there is fatigue within the margins. Fatigue that comes from a lack of compassion for others’ experiences and perspectives, and this fatigue becomes an intolerance for other people’s needs.
Compassion is never wrong, but it can be hard when your perspective is not informed by personal life experience. Nothing worth having is easy. Choose compassion for yourself and others and never play the victim. Choosing weakness as a response never leads to happiness.